


A Clumsy Heart

by cherri_cola



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups is Whipped, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Idols, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, minor soonwoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-28 00:38:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17172536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherri_cola/pseuds/cherri_cola
Summary: You're the cause of my happiness.





	A Clumsy Heart

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh major triggers for internalised homophobia

He doesn’t mean for it to happen.

 

It’s late, late enough that the light outside has faded leaving the night sky looking down on Seoul as the city. The stars can’t be seen because of the light pollution from the city but Seungcheol knows that they’re watching over them as well.

 

Jihoon has been relentless recently, unwilling to sleep or even eat. He’s been working on the new songs for their upcoming comeback without thinking of himself once.

 

There may be something else to it, Seungcheol is sure there is. He’s taken it upon himself every night to wait just outside to make sure that Jihoon is actually going to bed, eating and doing everything that his body needs to continue functioning.

 

He thinks that Jihoon knows he waits, and Seungcheol doesn’t think that he minds either. He’s even sometimes thankful for the company of the other man, it’s an odd thought considering their encounters each night are mainly silent.

 

Silence is what draws him to stand from where he sits with his back against the door, the muscles in his shoulder slide back into place gives him relief in the best way possible. He lets out a small sigh as he begins to walk through the building, alone.

 

Whenever he walks alone, he always finds himself reminiscing. He thinks of how they’d all come together to form unbreakable bonds as a group. He remembers the blood, sweat and tears put into their debut and the frustration. There had been good things too, which he focuses on more than anything.

 

One of his favourite memories is the day which he met Jihoon, they’d been trainees and it’s a long time ago but it had left an unshakable impression on him.

 

He’d somehow been smaller than he is now, and Seungcheol isn’t sure if it’s because of the chub in his cheeks or the way his hair had looked but there was something so inexplicably tiny about him.

 

Jihoon is tiny, though he’d never say that to his face.

 

He’d still held himself up, there was an air of confidence about them that a lot of young folk tend not to hold and he’d been in awe and confused. He remembers the way his smile had seemed so much lighter, it wasn’t something that was seen only once every blue moon. When they were younger he was also a lot more open with the members, it’s as if he’s crawled back into his cocoon for some reason.

 

He remembers the smile on his face as he’d looked up at Seungcheol. His cheeks had been slightly red, his eyes filled with a sparkle that he thinks was hope. He always wondered where that sparkle went, yet he can never question it because it isn’t something that one would just bring up.

 

People tend to think that he shoulders a lot of the burden of being leader himself but he feels like Jihoon is constantly stuck under pressure. He always has been, whether it be the pressure from himself, the media or the company.

 

There’s a constant pressure in his life and he doesn’t know how someone can deal with such pressures.

 

If it was him having to deal with that he would fall under everything. It would topple from his shoulders and his group would fall apart, his members would have nothing.

 

How Jihoon deals with that he can’t understand.

 

What Jihoon lacks in height for, he makes up with in ambition.

 

Well, that’s what Seungcheol thinks.

 

There’s a lot to admire about Jihoon, in a way he can be someone seen as an iceberg. Rigid, harsh, and oddly cold.

 

But there are so many complexities that lie beneath the surface, stretching under until no one can really tell just what he’s really like.

 

What he shows is what everyone knows. And everyone is shown something different, but Seungcheol...

 

He knows Jihoon better than anyone, he knows that because there’s no one that he’d rather spend his nights worrying over.

 

When it comes to fretting over the members he doesn’t particularly enjoy it because he’s never sure what they’ll be doing. Jihoon is different though, he lurks in his studio, staying quiet and not causing a ruckus.

 

Yet, Seungcheol’s worry stems from Jihoon’s allergy to taking breaks from work. Even on time off he’ll see him working on songs and it breaks his heart.

 

They never get time off, when they get an odd sleep in, Jihoon is still up at six in the morning. He sits at his desk, pulling out his headset and then won’t move until eight at night when he’s forced to.

 

Seungcheol’s sitting outside of Jihoon’s studio again. He’d walked back on instinct, he realises that means it’s been at least half an hour and so Jihoon should be about to leave.

 

He peers into the small studio, seeing the man passed out with his head resting slightly to the side of the chair. His mouth is open slightly and there are soft snores filling the room, the light from the computer screens has long since turned off and there’s a piece of paper in front of him.

 

Usually Jihoon’s handwriting is illegible but the manuscript that’s in front of him is something that Seungcheol can actually understand.

 

He lets out a small sigh as he looks around the cramped room. It’s oddly familiar, simply because he finds himself there so often even if only a few minutes once every few days.

 

Jihoon doesn’t really like it when people come into his studio, since it’s the only space he has to himself anymore.

 

There’s a strange warmth in his chest as he notices how soft Jihoon looks, with his cheeks slightly chubby and his lips open slightly to reveal his teeth.

 

He finds himself peering over at the manuscript in front of him.

 

Warmth flushed to his cheeks and he has to put a hand over his mouth to keep in a sound that’s a cross between a scream and a sob.

 

_“Thanks”_

_And in the upper right corner, in tiny handwriting are the words:_

_“For Choi Seungcheol”_

 

Jihoon feels his head swirling ever so slightly, he feels as if he’s floating. He drifts in and out of sleep as he’s jostled from the chair in his studio, not thinking even a second about who’s carrying him.

 

There’s no reason for him to, because he knows who it is and he trusts Seungcheol more than anyone. There’s no one he’d rather have hold him right now, no one who’s arms he’d rather fall asleep in.

 

Seungcheol is someone that Jihoon knows he wouldn’t be alive without. There’s more than just words to that because it’s true, he makes Jihoon feel warm.

 

And warmth, warmth blossoms and brings colour into life. It turns black and white into a sepia, and then eventually it pushes through and suddenly there’s joy. The warmth that blossoms into colour, that’s Seungcheol for Jihoon.

 

Seungcheol brings happiness into his life more than anyone else. He finds his mind stuck, in limbo, and it’s as if Seungcheol has always been out of reach.

 

Ever since debut, there’s been something stopping him. It’s something that polluted him, distorts the colour in his vision and turns it into something that feels like it’s burning him alive.

 

The warmth is never nice, the warmth always turns into pure flames that lick at his skin and make him feel as if he’s burning alive. The colour he once could see is always obscured by smoke. It creeps into his body, filling every pour and causes his eyes to water.

 

The smoke always chokes him, suffocating him until he can’t even say a word. It stops him from ever saying the truth, and maybe that’s why he can never come forward.

 

He had never learnt how to deal with himself, he’d always pressed it down. Admitting that to himself, being able to stand up with pride and say that he’s different ... that’s impossible.

 

Love is a fire, a pure, hot flame that melts flesh and leaves only bone.

 

That’s what he feels like when he comes out of sleep. He feels empty, cold and as if his skeleton’s exposed so he curls further into Seungcheol’s chest, seeking a warmth to hold onto.

 

A small sigh comes from his mouth as he takes comfort in Seungcheol’s heartbeat. He doesn’t know how to handle this, how to handle everything but as he’s left in his bed, he doesn’t feel cold anymore.

 

There’s a warmth left with him, a warmth from Seungcheol’s chest that leaves him feeling safe and placated. He fists his blanket into his hand, curling into a ball on instinct.

 

He swears he feels a hand run through his hair but he isn’t sure. A hand runs through his hair, soft and cautious. Jihoon’s heart stills and he wishes that Seungcheol wouldn’t leave.

 

Yet, there’s a part of him shouting to be left alone.

 

The warmth seeps from him slowly, and he’s left in the cold as soon as he hears the tell-tale click of the door close.

 

He’s alone, and he can only relish in the memory of what it had been like to allow himself to be held just for those few minutes.

 

The itching under his skin goes ignored.

 

Just once, he doesn’t need to feel ashamed. But he does, and he stays curled into a small ball.

 

His fists clench around his blanket, he can feel them whitening but he doesn’t allow himself a tear.

 

Crying won’t solve anything, so he lies there until he feels his throat dry and head hurt.

 

He doesn’t know when he drifts off, but finally everything loosens and his breathing evens out.

 

He’s safe when he’s sleeping.

 

It’s not about being safe from the world though, it’s about being safe from himself because every day gets harder and harder.

 

Every day is an impossible to scale mountain and every time he gets close to the top he puts his weight in the wrong place.

 

And then he has to start climbing from the bottom all over again.

 

Not today though, no today he’s falling asleep with remnants of warmth on his skin and thoughts of hands running through his hair.

 

The days go by smoothly, filled with sweat and music and they all blur together as their Japanese debut grows closer and closer.

 

* * *

 

 

They’re slowly beginning to lack in morale, and that’s something that Seungcheol won’t allow. He tries to catch eyes with Jihoon, but he’s too occupied talking animatedly about something with Soonyoung.

 

He’s using his hands to make gestures, probably trying to make sense of the choreography. It isn’t an easy song, and Seungcheol tries to forget where the inspiration for this had come from because he can barely bring himself to believe it.

 

This song, the instrumental, the words, they’re for him. They’re all for him and he knows, he feels like he’s keeping a dirty secret from everyone else but Jihoon still hasn’t said anything.

 

Would he really say something though?

 

Jihoon doesn’t like being open, and he struggles to be intimate. He doesn’t really enjoy being around the other members as much and he tends to shy away from their touches, unless they force him to submit.

 

That’s how Soonyoung always gets to throw his hand around his shoulders. It’s the very same with Mingyu who on the odd occasion will rest his head atop Jihoon’s to make everyone laugh, and when they’re tired enough Jihoon will let Mingyu give him piggy backs.

 

He’s never been that close with Seungcheol physically, not since they were trainees and now he even finds himself pulling away even more because he needs something.

 

A sign, that’s all. He just needs something from a member, or Jihoon or even the world around him to tell him that this isn’t all some dream because why hasn’t Jihoon told him.

 

The song they’re about to perform is dedicated to him and he can’t even make any sense of it because it just, doesn’t seem real at all.

 

How can it be?

 

“Cheol? Hello, Seungcheol?”

 

Hansol’s waving his hand in front of his face, trying to bring him out of his thoughts. Seungcheol blinks a couple of times, as if that would make his thoughts completely vanish away.

 

“Hm?”

 

“What’s going on with you?”

 

If he had his water bottle he’s sure he would have done a spit take.

 

Hansol, he swears, is insanely good with people. He doesn’t know but he can always tell when there’s a member feeling upset or down, and he’s always there to make them smile or be a shoulder for them to cry on.

 

He doesn’t know which he needs from him now. Despite everything screaming at him to talk, he shakes his head with a smile.

 

“There’s nothing going on, Hansol, I’m all good!”

 

The way Hansol’s face lights up with relief causes a soft pang in his chest, but he doesn’t let it phase him.

 

This truth, it isn’t his to tell.

 

And as Hansol walks back to where Chan is, his eyes drift back to Jihoon and he becomes fixated on him. He’s unable to stop looking at Jihoon because it’s been years.

 

It's been years since he’d found himself reaching for the stars in an overcrowded dorm every night.

 

Jihoon used to hold his hand each night as they slept when they’d shared a room. Then it had stopped, and their relationship had begun to fade away but in ways it had remained strong.

 

They may not be close physically, but Seungcheol still finds himself sending soft smiles towards Jihoon, who returns them and then goes back to whatever it is he’s doing.

 

He shouldn’t have fallen for the man who held the universe in his eyes, and the warmth of the sun in the palm of his hands.

 

But he had, and even though it seems as if there’ll never truly be anything between them he can’t hate it.

 

It’s impossible to hate because he would do anything for Jihoon. Even if he needs to wait forever and a day, he’ll do it.

 

Love makes you go crazy, and that’s what Seungcheol is. He’s crazy in love for Lee Jihoon, a man he knows is in love with him.

 

But there’s never anything shared or said, and for some reason he finds himself waiting. He never steps forward to share, he never says anything because he doesn’t want to fuck up.

 

Fucking up with Jihoon would be one of the worst things that could happen to him, he knows that and he doesn’t know why he let himself believe even for a minute that it wouldn’t be.

Though, he pretends not to care. Pretending is what matters right now, it’s what’s best for him. They all know that, it’s pretending that will keep him safe.

 

If Jihoon even had an inkling of Seungcheol’s feelings then he’d hide himself away. He wouldn’t even look him in the eye and smile or wave, the one line that they have would be broken in two and never repaired.

 

So he waits, he waits everyday hoping that Jihoon says something before it’s too late.

 

_Too late…_

What does that even mean? There can’t be a too late if there’s no beginning. In a way they’ve had a beginning, but it wasn’t what either of them wanted. It wasn’t supposed to happen and this secret, it weighs Seungcheol down more than anything.

 

He comes out of his thoughts again when Soonyoung begins to clap, shouting encouragements because there’s just something different in this choreography. It may be because of Jihoon.

 

That’s it, he knows it is but he isn’t ready to admit that to himself because it begs the question of meaning.

 

And an answer? An answer is something he doesn’t have right now because he can’t do anything without Jihoon, he can’t move on or away. He can only stay standing on the edge, ready to fall at any moment into the swirling rapids below.

 

Love is something that’s oddly beautiful because even though he’s more confused than ever, even though he’s scared and confused he feels enlightened because there’s a light in his life. He has a purpose, and as he moves into position, he tries not to look at Jihoon for too long.

 

There’s a smile on his face and a flush on his cheeks as he follows Hoshi’s instruction, moving to the beat almost perfectly. There’s more energy in him than ever as he looks towards the front, coming out into the center and Seungcheol is captivated in his every movement.

 

He feels short of breath and there’s a warmth that slowly spreads from his chest into his arms, and then down into his legs. It takes over, blossoming into something completely beautiful and he feels at peace in this moment.

 

It’s not odd that he feels at peace, at least he doesn’t think so. There’s Jihoon, doing what he loves most and there’s nothing that can stop the pride slowly coming through him. A smile forms on his face, breaking through everything else and he doesn’t mind that he has to wait.

 

He really doesn’t, because it’s in this moment that he’d wait decades if he had to.

 

There’s no one he loves more than Lee Jihoon, there’s no one who makes his stomach flip and heart ache more. That’s a good thing though, he can’t ever see it as something bad because isn’t that impossible?

 

How can love be something negative, he’s in pain but he doesn’t mind it. It’s a type of pain that he finds that he enjoys, the pang in his chest bringing nothing but happiness into his life. There’s no bitter taste that people always talk about, there’s nothing that makes him wish he wasn’t in love.

 

Jihoon is his sweetener, he makes life worth living. As Seungcheol begins to move with the music on autopilot, he finds himself wondering just what’s brought them to this point.

 

He notices that Jihoon never dares to meet his eye though, he never looks directly at Seungcheol for some reason and he doesn’t know why. The distance between them is widening because they’re both afraid.

 

Why they’re afraid, Seungcheol doesn’t know that. He wishes he did, but he can’t. There’s a balance that they hold in their relationship, a push and pull that is always in equilibrium.

 

Maybe it needs to be disrupted but that could take too much. There’s so much going on, their Japanese debut nearing everyday but his mind keeps flashing back to that sheet of manuscript that he’d found on Jihoon’s desk weeks ago. The handwriting that had only been partially eligible emblazoned in his mind for what feels like forever.

 

It may as well be tattooed on him now, because he can never forget it. Even if he wanted to, he doesn’t think he could and there’s no point in trying to forget anymore because forgetting means giving up.

 

Seungcheol can’t give up, he can’t let himself do that. Giving up is always the worst option in the situation, in a way it’s letting the other side win even if there is really no enemy but himself.

 

The song comes to an end, and Soonyoung smiles from where he’s standing in the middle of the dance studio. His eyes are alight with pride, and the smile on his face is one that Seungcheol knows as a smile of pride.

 

Soonyoung works hard, he works hard to help the other members get the chores under their belt and have everything proper. He stays up until late hours of the night with the rest of the performance team, trying to help them understand what’s happening.

 

He’s dedicated, and he couldn’t be prouder of Soonyoung. There’s another reason though he finds himself fixated on Soonyoung, and that’s because he’s so stable in his relationship with Wonwoo. The two are never overly sweet in front of them, they’re rather quiet together but there’s always something that gives it away.

 

It easily could be something such as a slight brush of a hand against a shoulder, or the way that Soonyoung tends to hold onto Wonwoo’s hand a bit too long. The way they look at each other is filled with nothing but love and he wonders how long it took to build that.

 

This moment is one of those moments, Wonwoo’s sitting next to his boyfriend. There’s a warmth in his face, and his eyes are just as bright and Seungcheol wishes that he could have that more than anything. He could never though, not now, not with Jihoon who’s more skittish than a baby kitten.

 

His eyes are quick to move from Soonyoung to Jihoon who’s looking at the two of them with what looks like a disgust. His mouth is twisted, and his teeth are digging into his bottom lip. His gaze is averted to the floor, and Seungcheol realises that Jihoon has never been comfortable with them.

 

He doesn’t know why, he can’t know why because he knows that Jihoon would never want to hurt their members. He’s always tried to understand but he always comes up blank, and it’s now that he begins to realise just what’s going on.

 

Jihoon turns his back to Soonyoung and Wonwoo then, aptly walking out of the studio as soon as Soonyoung says that they’re done for the night. Despite the fact that he’s all sweaty from dance practice, Seungcheol is sure he knows just where Jihoon is going.

 

It’s as he’s about to leave the studio that Wonwoo approaches him, his demeanour is somewhat calm and he looks as if he’s almost confused for some reason and Seungcheol doesn’t know why he would be.

 

“Hey Cheol?”

 

He doesn’t want to talk to Wonwoo, he just wants to make sure that Jihoon is okay. He knows what’s wrong now, and maybe he can fix it. He knows he can fix it because there’s no one else who could other than him.

 

“Yeah, what’s going on?”

 

Wonwoo’s closed off, his arms are crossed in front of his chest. His eyes are downcast and there’s something clearly wrong.

 

“Do you know why Jihoon’s acting funny?”

 

He looks at Wonwoo stunned, trying not to let anything out but that’s difficult when he’s being asked about something he isn’t even sure of. He wishes that Jihoon would just speak to someone, anyone even.

 

Yet, there’s an odd tension between not only them but also him and other members which could lead to even more problems when it comes to ideas. He shrugs, feeling defeat slowly sink into his bones because he can barely figure it out.

 

“I don’t…Has he been acting different?”

 

“He’s just always been…odd around me and Soonyoung since we became a couple, and I understand that it may be weird for two of your friends to date but he needs to get over it…”

 

What Seungcheol hears is that they both miss Jihoon and his odd quips and abrupt jokes.

 

Seungcheol realises he misses it too. He misses the dry humour and his small smile, he misses the way they used to hold onto each other tighter than anything when they were trainees.

 

Though now, now he doesn’t even know what’s going to happen to them. He just shrugs, because maybe, just maybe this song is something that he isn’t ready for yet. If that’s the case then what does Jihoon need from him…

 

“I thought you’d know considering…”

 

Seungcheol looks at Wonwoo then, he feels his heartbeat begin to race. He doesn’t know why it is because it’s impossible that anyone knows. He hasn’t told anyone, Jihoon definitely hasn’t, so are they being that obvious?

 

“Considering?”

 

“That you two have something going on, I’m not really sure what but-”

 

“No, there’s nothing Wonwoo, he’s just a friend.”

 

It sounds so fake that Seungcheol can barely hold himself back from cringing.

 

“Alright, just find out what’s up, okay?”

 

Seungcheol nods before leaving the dance studio, the door closing behind him with a soft click.

 

 

Jihoon’s head aches, his throat feels dry but all he can do is sit curled up in a ball at his desk. His knees are pulled into his chest and his head is pressed against his knees. He doesn’t feel like he’s here.

 

He doesn’t know how they can do it. He finds part of him jealous, he wants to be like that with someone.

 

_I want to be like that with Seungcheol._

 

He shakes his head, trying to force the thought out. His mouth opens as he lets out a soundless sob, he feels everything clashing together inside him. He doesn’t know why he decided that it would be any different to dedicate a song for their comeback to him.

 

It would make everything easier, there wouldn’t be complications but music, music is his safe space. It’s his form of expression and only he knows, only he’d seen the first draft. There’d been no one else watching over his shoulder as he wrote it out, there’d been no one to see him pour his heart out and for that he’s thankful.

 

He’s thankful because there’s no one who can know about his shame, there’s no one who can know what he actually is because he’s happy to pretend. He’s happy to pretend that it’s nothing, he wants it to be a phase. He needs it to be a phase but ever since debut everything he’s thought he’d have has melted away.

 

He can only dream of feeling the soft skin of a lovely girl by his side as she stands across from him at their wedding. He finds everything in him protesting against what he thinks of as a perfect future, but it’s what he needs.

 

He needs normalcy, not abnormality.

 

He isn’t abnormal and he knows that, he’s normal. He isn’t one of them, he isn’t like Wonwoo and Soonyoung who feel okay flaunting that. He holds his knees tighter as he feels something drop from his cheek.

 

He hadn’t realised that tears had been flowing from his cheeks, steadily making their way down his face to connect again at his chin. He can feel his shoulders wracking with sobs as he cries to himself.

 

It’s pathetic that he’s doing so over something that’s so trivial. This isn’t who he is, he isn’t a mistake. He’s okay, he’s straight he knows that better than anything but the moment he lets himself look at Seungcheol that façade he’s built himself falls.

 

It falls hard, and fast until all that’s left are his own feelings. There’s no barrier between him and the truth. The truth is what he can’t deal with, the fires that come with it make him reel in fear.

 

It’s unpredictable, uncontrollable and he’d never wanted to be like this. He never wanted to fall for someone like Seungcheol, he never wanted to have feelings because there’s so much to deal with.

 

He’s crying now, he can his body shrinking in on itself. He’s claustrophobic and he can barely breathe, he can barely understand what’s happening and that’s when he feels everything slide into place slowly.

 

He realises that no matter how much he wants this to change it won’t, he can’t do anything about it. That only makes him feel even more hopeless, there’s a misery in how he thinks of love. It’s unescapable and unstoppable, a force that ruins everything and he can barely breathe in its presence because it crushes him and turns him into nothing.

 

He’s tiny, he feels so small that he could fit through the cracks in the floorboards and he wishes he could. He wishes that he could be swallowed by the floor and sink into the welcoming arms of nothingness.

 

That would be better than this, that would be better than trying to deal with himself. He’s a monster, he’s not right.

 

_There’s something wrong with me._

 

That’s all he can think about. There’s nothing else that even comes close, because it twists and mutates, it becomes all consuming.

 

Footsteps, he hears footsteps slowly walking towards him and he’s too exhausted to even move his head. His breathing stills, his sobs come to a stop. He doesn’t want to be seen as vulnerable because there’s nothing wrong.

 

_There’s something wrong._

 

Seungcheol, it has to be Seungcheol with his warm smile and kind-hearted nature. It has to be Seungcheol with a heart of gold and skin as radiant as the sun. He doesn’t even dare to move, he won’t move a single finger because he freezes.

 

He’s paralysed. He feels as if some type of poison has taken over, though Seungcheol doesn’t reach out to touch him. He doesn’t even say anything until Jihoon calms down, his tears shrinking back.

 

“Hey…”

 

He doesn’t reply, he stays curled in his ball, terrified of what’s going to happen because what if Seungcheol knows. He could know, he knows, Jihoon doesn’t know how but there’s something much gentler in him right now.

 

He immediately finds himself thinking of how Soonyoung and Wonwoo are and he wants to fall in on itself. Everything is so twisted, he can’t make sense of what’s okay and what’s not. He’s spiralling, he can feel his head swimming and he just wants to go to sleep.

 

“I take it that you don’t want to talk, Hoonie?”

 

He can barely bring himself to shake his head. He writes off the nickname, ignoring the small warmth that comes in his chest upon hearing the fond nickname that Seungcheol had given him in their debut days.

 

He can’t dwell on it. He isn’t allowed to dwell it because it’ll make everything so much harder.

 

“That’s okay, can I talk?”

 

Jihoon likes Seungcheol’s voice when he whispers, low and quiet. It’s warm and sweet, it feels like honey that covers his whole body. It coats him in a protective layer, protecting him from the word through a lens of nothing but sugar.

 

“I know, Hoonie…”

 

The honey’s gone. He feels his fingers begin to shake and then his breathing become erratic, his hands tighten even more. He isn’t in his right mind as he comes out of the position he’s in.

 

He begins to scratch, scratching at his scalp, arms and legs. He pinches himself, trying to get it out of him. There’s something under his skin, something he wants gone.

 

He lets out a strangled sob as he shakes his head, collapsing in on himself. He wants to stand up and run away, he wants to leave Seungcheol behind but all he can do is sit there.

 

“Stop doing that, it’s okay, I got you, alright?”

 

He doesn’t listen, he can’t not when there’s something that needs to be gone as soon as possible. Not when there’s a monster under his skin, possessing him and making him into something he’d never want to be.

 

He can’t keep going when Seungcheol reaches forward though, his hand grabbing around Jihoon’s wrist. That’s when he finally has the courage to look at Seungcheol in the eye, and he expects to see disgust on his face, shame and hate.

 

His mind scrambles because he sees the opposite, he doesn’t see any of that. He sees love, compassion and concern and he can barely process it. He begins to shake his head, trying to wrench his hand from Seungcheol’s grip.

 

“Leave me alone.”

 

Weak, that’s how he sounds. It’s as if his voice is made of fine glass, on the verge of shattering. He’s a fine china doll, that’s been broken and put back together, the paint on his face telling only part of the story.

 

A sigh escapes from Seungcheol’s mouth, and Jihoon can barely hear it. His eyes are squeezed shut and Seungcheol won’t let go of his wrist. He refuses to, and Jihoon wishes he would.

 

_Please…stay_

 

“If you’re acting like this why’d you…”

Jihoon can tell that Seungchoel is being careful in how he words the next part. He knows what he’s going to say, and he doesn’t know the answer.

 

“Why’d you write that for me?”

 

He doesn’t want to talk about this, he can’t right now. He feels exhaustion begin to replace panic, and he manages to get his wrist back from Seungcheol. Somehow, Jihoon manages to stand on his own two feet and he leaves Seungcheol behind.

 

He’s standing at the door, looking out into the small hallway and he just turns back to Seungcheol before leaving. He can barely even bring himself to smile, but he tries, even if it’s marred with sadness.

 

“You know why.”

 

* * *

 

 

There isn’t much to be said about what happens over the next few days. Seungcheol doesn’t know what to do, Jihoon has only become more distant since he’d found him in his studio.

 

It feels as if there’s something completely wrong in the group, he’s never left alone in the same room and whenever he is, there’s a bridge of silence between them. He still stays outside the studio every night, it’s become routine at this point and to him, it’s more than a routine.

 

It gives him the affirmation that everything is okay, even if Jihoon refuses to even say hello. He won’t even let Seungcheol touch him, he just walks down the hall. The only thing heard at night is the sound of their footsteps together. Even then, it feels empty but he’ll take it.

 

He’ll take anything that he can get, because that’s what they both need. Jihoon may not know it, but he needs someone right now. He needs someone to be there, physically and spiritually because being alone is what’s most dangerous for him right now. They both know that, but for reason, he’d rather be alone than dare be seen with Seungcheol.

 

Everyone has else has noticed that they’ve barely been able to even say a single word to each other. They’re always pushed together, when they meet with Soonyoung they end up being left together every time and the silence is deafening.

 

It speaks levels that neither he or Jihoon could ever, it speaks for everything that make themselves go through because it’s not fair. In a way, Seungcheol thinks that it makes them closer than ever. It brings them together in a way that no one would expect, and Jihoon can’t see that but he definitely can.

 

He’s sitting down outside the company building, anxiety curling in his stomach and he hears footsteps behind him, slow and steady. The door opens, and when he turns his head he sees Jihoon standing there. His mouth is set in a hard line and his eyes stuck on the street but he still walks forwards, and he sits down.

 

He sits down next to Seungcheol. Pride is the first thing that flows through his body, not love or appreciation but pride because he knows what Jihoon is struggling with right now, he may not know how it feels but he knows the consequences.

 

There’s no need to push it, he doesn’t need to tell Jihoon that he’s proud but he lets the warmth of summer speak for him. Even though it’s cooler at night, there’s still a warmth in the air and he lets out a small sigh. Jihoon shudders, and he can see it, he turns his head away and pushes his hand out towards Seungcheol.

 

It’s a small movement, one that could easily be mistaken for something else. He knows what it is, it’s an opportunity.

 

A window that easily could vanish in a moment, so he reaches forward himself. His fingers brush against Jihoon’s. He ignores the way Jihoon’s shoulders jolt, he finds it oddly cute that he can’t look at him in the eye and instead looks in the opposite direction and down the road.

 

Jihoon is petite, he’s gorgeous in a way that words can’t describe. There’s so much about him that Seungcheol admires every day, and his determination is one of those things.

 

_Slow down, let him do the rest._

 

Seungcheol doesn’t grab around Jihoon’s hand, he waits. Jihoon’s fingers curl into his own, interlocking. It’s a quiet gesture, it’s a small one but it’s enough to make him feel like there’s hope for them.

 

Hope is something dangerous, that’s what most people think. Right now, it’s all they have. There’s a hope for them in the future, and he can feel Jihoon’s fingers shaking. He can tell that he’s terrified so he does the one thing he can, and squeezes his hand softly.

 

_I’m here._

 

When Jihoon turns to look at him, he loses his breath. He’s gorgeous in the neon light from the street signs and restaurants that surround them, his skin has an almost cold radiance that only makes Seungcheol want to caress his cheek softly.

 

He’s captivated, caught in Jihoon’s gaze and he wonders just how this happened. He can barely bring himself to ask, but when Jihoon reaches forward with a trembling hand to press against his cheek, he can’t help but do the same.

 

“Cheollie…”

 

Soft, and vulnerable enough that it makes Seungcheol keen. He feels his heart stop, and his breathing come to a stop. The world around them holts, the moon hangs in the sky and the stars watch over them as he looks into Jihoon’s eyes.

 

Even if only for seconds, he swears he sees the stars that went missing all those years ago there.

 

“Yes, Hoonie?”

 

Jihoon’s eyes move to look at his chest, and his hand moves to fist the fabric of his shirt. He’s biting into his lip, worrying. He allows himself to brush Jihoon’s lip with his thumb softly.

 

They’re soft to the touch, and he feels himself falling more and more. Jihoon is perfection, he knows that but now, now it’s only made even more noticeable now that he knows how those lips feel.

 

And Jihoon doesn’t shrink away, his eyes move to meet his again and he can barely process anything. Jihoon pulls him down, and before he knows it those lips are pressing against his own. Soft, warm and it feels so good.

 

It feels so good, and warmth blossoms again in his chest, it stays a warmth and it doesn’t go out of control. It’s comforting, kind and he wants to nurture it. It spreads through his whole body, as if some type of drug that takes over him completely.

 

When Jihoon pulls away, Seungcheol can only look at him with pride swelling in his chest.

 

“Thank you.”

 

His face splits into a grin, and Jihoon’s still shaking. He takes his hand, bringing his knuckles up to his mouth and kisses them softly.

 

“Why’re you thanking me?”

 

Jihoon shrugs at that before looking back out onto the street, he doesn’t look back at Seungcheol, but instead choosing to focus on the street again. Their hands stay intertwined together, linked and the warmth…

 

The warmth spreads from Seungcheol to Jihoon.

 

Jihoon doesn’t feel the warmth as a fire, and it takes over him. There’s no burning where Seungcheol’s hand sits atop his own. He doesn’t feel himself burning alive, for once, he feels content.

 

It’s rare that he feels content in himself, but right now, he feels happy. He’s happy in himself, and that’s all that matters.

 

It’s been a long time since he was happy.

 

“You’ve done more than you know…”

 

He stands up then, looking down at Seungcheol from where he stands. There’s a smile on his face that glows, his eyes are alight and something shifts in the air around them.

 

There’s a lump forming in his throat when he realises everything, his reality crashing down on him and he’s dragged under again. He doesn’t run this time or hide, he stays standing where he is, his mind trying to keep up with his actions.

 

His breathing becomes heavy and his vision blurs, the last hour replaying over and over in his head and it’s nearly too much for him to handle. He doesn’t know what to make of everything because what does this mean for him?

 

_This isn’t natural._

 

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Jihoon.”

 

Seungcheol speaks up, standing up. Jihoon has to look up at him now, and he begins to feel as if he’s slowly sinking into something. His breathing is rapid and mind blurred, and he needs something to anchor him.

 

He reaches out to hold onto the closest thing.

 

He holds onto Seungcheol, his shirt crumpled in his fist as he pushes himself into his chest. He finds himself wanting to pull away, yet wanting to stay. This is complicated, it’s all so complicated.

 

It’s too complicated and all he can do is open his mouth and let out a soundless sob as Seungcheol begins to rock him back and forth

 

His voice is low, it’s low and kind. There’s a gentleness there that Jihoon could never allow himself, he wishes he could love who he is. He wishes he wasn’t afraid because love shouldn’t be something he’s afraid of. It shouldn’t be something only given to his music, but something given to a person.

 

He can’t even do that right.

 

Seungcheol’s hand rests on his neck as he cries, exhausted and trying to make sense of everything. He tries to pull away, but he’s exhausted. The all too familiar feeling sinks into his bones and all he can do is try and push his feelings away.

 

If he needs to push them away then why is he still here.

 

_Why did you kiss him._

 

He doesn’t have an answer, he can’t and all he can do is just let Seungcheol hold him close. His hands carding through his hair and his words feeding him sweet honey that makes the world seem so much less cruel than it truly is.

 

 

 

It happens when they’re all sitting around a table to eat together, Jihoon’s left the room and everyone falls silent. Their eyes are trained on Seungcheol, and he feels as if there’s no room for him to breathe here.

 

“Seungcheol, what happened last week?”

 

It’s Soonyoung who speaks up, looking at him with a concerned look. There’s a crease in his brow, and there’s a lack of a smile on his face which is almost scary. He’s always the happiest out of everyone, giving them encouragement and kind words.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“What’s he talking about?”

 

Chan looks from Minghao to Seungcheol, and everyone’s curiosity is peaked.

 

All Seungcheol can do is nod his head towards just outside where they’re all sitting, and the tension behind them dissolves quickly into laughter. Jihoon walks back into the room, his hand brushing slightly against his as they pass.

 

“Talk.”

 

 

 

The look Jihoon gives him when he finds him outside of his studio is one that Seungcheol wishes he hadn’t seen because there’s nothing but disdain.

 

“You told someone.”

 

He looks away, trying to avoid the conversation more than anything. There’s no warmth here, only guilt, all consuming but it had been from the good of his heart. Soonyoung had been so concerned, and after him, he’s Jihoon’s closest friend.

 

“Jihoon, he was worried…”

 

“NO!”

 

There are unshed tears in his eyes as he looks down at him, his hands cover his mouth, as if trying to keep himself quiet. There’s nothing good to be said between them right now and all Seungcheol can do is gnaw at his own lip, he doesn’t even dare reach out to hold Jihoon.

 

“You don’t get to TELL SOMEONE, you think I fucking want people to know I’m some fucking FAGGOT, sure go ahead and be happy, but I’ll be damned if I have to be like you because I’m not-“

 

“Woah, Hoonie ca-“

 

“No I will not calm down, you don’t get to tell anyone that, I trusted you, I trusted you with everything and you go and blurt as soon as you’re asked what’s going on and then I wake up to Soonyoung wanting to talk and telling me that I’m okay? That I’m SAFE!”

 

Jihoon’s hysterical, his hands pulling at his hair and there are tears in his eyes. His shoulders are shaking and his chest is heaving, his words are loud but there’s fear in them. There’s fear in his eyes, his whole being is corrupted with fear and Seungcheol just wants to take it all away.

 

“But you ARE, Jihoon.”

 

He didn’t mean to raise his voice, but he can’t help it because this hurts. Watching Jihoon berate himself and witnessing his self-loathing is too much, because there’s nothing wrong with him but he can’t see that for some reason.”

 

“We’re your family, you’ve been with us for YEARS, we all know how hard you work, and you-“

 

He has to pause, his mind scrambling to come up with words, and it all bubbles up, rising up to the surface. It comes out broken, in a sob and he only wants to reach out and hold Jihoon closer than ever.

 

“You’re perfect to me, this is just one thing Jihoon, this is one insignificant detail in your life and you’re not alone, you have me, Soonyoung and Wonwoo. You’re the most beautiful person, but you’re so hard on yourself, and for what?”

 

Jihoon looks at him, his lips parted and glossy, his eyes red and there are tear tracks down his face.

 

“What are you so afraid of?”

 

The air between them isn’t warm, it isn’t cold but it’s poisonous. It’s poisonous, and it pollutes them, it corrupts the warmth that had once blossomed between them.

 

“Myself.”

 

“There’s nothing to be afraid of…”

 

Jihoon scoffs at that, before sitting down to look him in the eyes.

 

“I’m not some fucking sissy, Cheol.”

 

For some reason, he wishes Jihoon would kiss him just once.

 

So he does, he pulls Jihoon in by his neck and connects their lips together, and it isn’t sweet and innocent this time but hot. It’s sweltering and Jihoon makes his way into Seungcheol’s lap, his hands slowly make their way under his shirt and splay across his chest.

 

His hands are quick to press down on Jihoon’s hips, causing a sigh to fall from the man’s lips. It’s high pitched and something that he files away in his mind for later, because he doesn’t think he wants to forget it.

 

Truth be told, he doesn’t know if he can forget it.

 

When they pull away, Jihoon’s eyes are foggy, his lips are pretty and pink and there’s a bridge of saliva connecting them together. He feels his cheeks flush and his eyes immediately go to the bulge in Jihoon’s pants.

 

“Do it.”

 

He looks into Jihoon’s eyes, and all he sees is resolve, and his breathing is heavy. There’s a glassy sheen in his eyes, and his mouth is parted. His arms rest on Seungcheol’s shoulders.

 

“Jihoon I-“

 

“Fucking do it or I swear to god Seungch-“

 

“No.”

 

“What? Why not? You KISSED me, y-you started this.”

 

If they weren’t fucked up, if Jihoon knew what he was asking, he would find his petulance cute but right now it only breaks his heart more than anything.

 

“I can’t.”

 

Jihoon pushes his head into Seungcheol’s neck, pressing kisses into it, trying to get him to just do something but he can barely do anything without feeling some type of guilt.

 

“Don’t you want this?”

 

“Not like this, Hoonie…”

 

It’s as Jihoon moves out of his lap that Seungcheol realises truly how fucked he is, because any other man would do anything to have someone there like that.

 

“I don’t want anything until you’re ready to accept _this.”_

 

Seungcheol gestures between the two of them.

 

“Because what you’re doing, what you do to yourself and the things you say…”

 

He takes a breath before speaking, his voice shaky and he doesn’t even feel stable as he says it.

 

“They hurt me too, Jihoon.”

 

And Jihoon walks away without even saying anything, leaving Seungcheol to curl in on himself alone in the hallway.

 

* * *

 

 

There’s a finality somewhere in there, not a fatality.

 

Seungcheol knows that, even if there’s nothing being said between them anymore. The fleeting touches have vanished into something that he can only dream of again. He can barely even bring himself to be in the same room as Jihoon.

 

They’re at a fansign when it happens, and Seungcheol finds that he would much rather be in bed than spending time here because the past few weeks are catching up to him. He can’t let fans know how exhausted he is though, not right after their Japanese debut.

 

Not now when there’s so much for them all to take in because they’re doing something that’s truly amazing. It’s cool, and it warms his heart to see fans dressed warmly and his members talking with them animatedly, engaging with them so happily.

 

It’s quiet though, there’s a quiet that Seungcheol can’t explain and he looks over at Jihoon. He hasn’t smiled like that in weeks, his eyes locked with a fans’ as he lets out a small giggle at some comment they’d made.

 

He wishes he was able to make Jihoon smile like that again, but they both know it won’t happen. The members have tried everything to get them to at least interact with each other, but he can barely look at Jihoon without wanting to scream.

 

He isn’t angry at him, but his heart hurts for him. His heart hurts in a way that he wishes it didn’t, and all he can do is stay quiet because he can’t tell. If he tells then everything they’ve built is completely decimated and he remembers how upset Jihoon had been last time.

 

He turns his attention back to the fans, smiling at them and answering their questions. He holds onto their hands, trying not to let his mind drift too much because these are the people who are truly worthy of his attention. He brings them joy, happiness and love.

 

_Maybe that’s why he wanted to thank me?_

 

When Jihoon looks at him, there’s something in his gaze that Seungcheol doesn’t know how to name. He doesn’t know what to think because everything is just too much, he doesn’t know what’s going on but he knows the truth.

 

That has to be it, there’s nothing else.

 

 

The fans are all standing back now, looking at them with nothing but radiant smiles on their face. It’s been decided that each member can ask anyone a question, whatever they want and it leads to laughter from everyone. It’s the most lightweight his chest has felt in weeks, and he feels himself becoming overcome with glee.

 

“Alright, now we know that Hoshi is the type to sneak down and steal everyone’s guilty pleasure foods, Seungcheol, what do you have to ask?”

 

He stands up, clearing his throat and he looks right at Jihoon. The man doesn’t flinch, he only smiles at him, lifting his mic to his mouth ready to answer.

 

“Why did you write _Thanks_ , Woozi?”

 

“To say thank you,”

 

Jihoon pauses, looking at carats for a second but then he turns back to Seungcheol and a warm smile spreads onto his face.

 

“To carats.”

 

_That’s not true._

 

 

They’re walking back into the building, and the rest of the group rush inside. They’re wrestling against each other to all fit through the door at once, and Seungcheol finds himself surprised when they actually manage to push through.

 

“I brought happiness into your life, didn’t I?”

 

Jihoon stills, turning to look at Seungcheol with his lips opening into a small ‘o’ shape that’s adorable and makes his heart pound.

 

“B-Before I met you, Cheol, I didn’t want to even think of feeling better about who, and what I am…”

 

Jihoon pauses, looking up at him with nothing but conviction in his eyes, and he feels as if his feet have been swept out from under him. Jihoon has never looked at him like that, he’s never seen the stars in his eyes shine so bright.

 

He holds the galaxy in his hands, he holds Sungcheol’s whole world in his very being.

 

“S-So if you’re still in this, then so am I, I-I guess…”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hi there loves,
> 
> this is my first jicheol but they are mY MEN so uh I hope you enjoyed and if you did, come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/softieyms) or come send in questions on my [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/glosspds)


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